Cupid Must Think I'm Stupid!

Valentine’s schmalentine’s, who gives a crap? Is this day just for daters and maters or for the general population? I’ve been married 35 years and I’ve yet to get a valentine gift. Of course I’m not the type to make a fuss. I like to silently seethe.

Actually, I come from Worcester County, which happens to be the home of the first Valentine. I think I should be demanding preferential Valentine treatment. And I would, if I thought it would do any good.

In grade school we used to exchange cute little cartoon Valentines. Do they still do that or is it considered sexual harassment? I used to be in love with a kid named Stephen Sweet, and man was he sweet! Of course he loved Phyllis what’s her name, and not me. But each year I would savor the fleeting intimacy between Stephen and I as he placed a tiny white envelope on my desk….” I was always hoping for this:

But I got this instead:

So you see, my Valentine expectations were lowered long ago, and since then I've learned to lower them even more still.

I no longer hope for roses, perfume, romantic dinners, and expensive chocolates, but make due with, yard trimmings, deoderant, Marie Calendar’s in-home menu, and thanks to my new cardiac diet, red Jello.

I’ve come to believe that Cupid has a nasty side, sparking inappropriate relationships for hundreds of years, getting our sappy little hopes up, only to have love blow up in our faces or go as flat as a couch potato’s ass.

Cupid doesn’t mention that love has stinky feet, hogs the blankets, burps louder than a marching band, and thinks that a night out is putting on a clean shirt and eating dinner in front of the TV.

So, I finally get it. If this girl wants a memorable Valentine’s Day she’s got to create it for herself. No more waiting for hubby to sweep me off my feet (or to sweep the front porch for that matter). I’m taking this holiday into my own capable hands!

Ha! Cupid must think I’m stupid!

Cranky Cherubs

Valentines Day isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes I think it’s just a big set up for disappointment. I remember, as a child, passing out my hand signed Pepe Le Pew valentines, and saving the mushiest one for my eternal crush, Steven Sweet. Seriously, that was his last name. I may have been only eight, but even then I wasn’t immune to Cupids arrows. Much to my dismay, my love remained unrequited because Steven Sweet had set his sites on the prettiest girl in class….and it wasn’t me.

I repeated this heart numbing ritual year after year because Mr. Sweet and I were in the same class up until Jr. High. You’d think that I would have learned? But, love is love, and Cupid is often a mischievous and cranky little cherub. Don’t let those dimples and chubby cheeks fool you!

Being single… (Or married to an old fart) during this holiday is sometimes lonely, but mostly annoying. You listen to your friends gush as they read you their syrupy Hallmark cards and brag about the rose petal path that they had to follow in order to reach the chocolate, bubble bath, and chilled champagne. (Men will do anything for sex.) You do a mental eye roll and sigh; looking for the closest exit, because you know what’s coming next…a litany of sympathy aimed your way. “Oh! I’m sorry. I forgot you don’t have a boyfriend,” or “Oh, that’s right, your husband doesn’t like to celebrate Valentines Day.” You mumble a sarcastic “thanks for the reminder,” and a few expletives under your breath, and then walk away, all the while wishing that it were open season on saps.

You can’t blame the romantics for gushing, even if some are insincere, but you also needn’t feel left out, because Valentines Day isn’t just for lovers. It’s for everyone with a heart. Valentines Day is a celebration of love. The love you have for family, friends, yourself, pets, life…..EVERYTHING! Love is an eternal and amazing force. Its power changes hearts and lives, and inspires people to do great things! We are all thirsty for love on every level. This Valentines Day don’t miss out. Take a huge swig of love and then pass the bottle on. We all deserve it.

Viva la amor!