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Friday, December 7, 2012

Birthdays Buzzards and Rainbows

Monday’s attempt at a birthday blog:

Okay so I’m suppose to be writing a birthday blog and I’m finding that it isn’t so easy to write. I feel scattered. Maybe it’s that I have so much on my mind. Or perhaps it’s my age. Maybe my brain is starting to sag right along with my other assets. Sagging assets. Hahaha! Sorry. This isn’t going so well.

Tuesday’s attempt at a birthday blog:

I’m not feeling very reflective or poetic about my birthday. Having a birthday in December is like throwing a party at Mardi Gras. Everyone is already celebrating. How can you compete with that? My birthday sort of gets lost in all of the holiday hubbub. Yeah. This isn’t going so well.

Wednesday’s attempt at a birthday blog:

I’m sitting here in my summer bathrobe with a pooch tucked in against my heart. It’s quiet and calm. The Florida morning breathes lightly, gentle and vacation like. I’m adding my blessings. I’m also adjusting to losses. Epic losses. Life holds all things in one big pot—the gains and losses, the pretty and painful, the whole thing. God, I’m so sick of myself. This isn’t going so well.

Thursday’s attempt at a birthday blog:

This birthday blog thing isn’t going too well. Last night I dreamt of a sailboat and it was tied to the dock. A voice said to me, “What good is a sailboat if it’s tied to the dock?” I didn’t answer but I knew I had to untie the rope and set sail. The thing is I hate sailing. I prefer walking. But sometimes we are required to sail. So what did this dream mean? Am I supposed to be going somewhere?

Mike’s mother is sick. Sicker than sick. Mike is there with her now. Her days are numbered. But aren’t all our days numbered and we just don’t want to face it. We live like we have endless days. Like summertime and youth are eternal. I’m healthy and have this life to live. I’m blessed. I should be more grateful and active but instead I’m feeling listless. I just want to crawl into bed with my mother-in-law and hold her. She’s too precious to say goodbye to.

This isn’t going well. I’m dried up. I have nothing to say.

Friday’s attempt at a birthday blog.

I have endless miles of white to impress upon. I do. I have endless thoughts and emotions. I don’t however have endless days in which to write my stories.

So, what shall I say then? A birthday blog. Who gives a shit? Really? Don’t we all have birthdays? We expect too much. We’re spoiled rotten.

Shouldn’t I be celebrating every day? Is the birthday thing really necessary? Oh fudge, this isn’t going too well.

What would make me happy on my birthday? What are a few of my favorite things? Puppies, and teapots, and Gumby & Pokey, nice friendly people who say “okey dokey”, crunching dead acorn tops under my shoe, making them pop is what I like to do.

Buzzards and rainbows and pies of all flavors, a friend who will listen and do me some favors, someone who loves me without keeping score, and stays closely by with his ear to the door.

Listening to music while I’m Sunday driving, going in circles and never arriving, feeling as boundless as space and the sea, talking with God as he talks back to me.

Watching the stars blink is better than Vegas, the same stars that made Galileo so famous, feeling a part of ev-er-y thing, makes me so happy that I want to sing.

Eating a donut with jelly and coffee, walking a mile so I won’t be a softy, watching a movie that gets in my eyes, hiding my face so they won’t see me cry.

Blowing a straw sleeve across at my daughter, watching her flinch with sur-prise cause I got her. Laughing while showing my gums and my teeth, ducking the straw sleeve that’s aimed back at me.

Writing down words all jumbly and noisy, letting them spill out like milk on a doily, killing the editor and hiding his corpse, living wide open without any doors.

Stupid song lyrics that wiggle and hover, making me wonder if I need a doctor, to cure me of this so no one will know, that I’m a crummy poet without any clothes.

Whew! Glad I got that out of my system.

So ends my birthday blog. Thanks for indulging this old girl for the moment. It’s been a rough week. And by the way, I was sober when I wrote this. Big mistake. Anyway, when your birthday rolls around (and it will) I promise to be, the sort of friend who listens no matter what you say or sing.

Happy Birthday to me.

This didn’t go so well.

29 comments:

The Loerzels said...

I disagree. This was the perfect post reflecting on a most imperfect week. And I agree, birthdays are stupid, we should celebrate everyday. Hoping you find a reason to celebrate and unwind tonight. Happy Birthday Leah!

Karen Wojcik Berner said...

I think it was brilliant--an encapsulization of your week, of your view. Happy Birthday, my writing friend.

jan neel said...

Sometimes ya just gotta let it fly. get it out and overwith. Celebrating daily is the way to go, this was perfect, I loved it. <3

Healing Morning said...

I love it when you take me with you on a meandering journey of both delightful nonsense and sharply beautiful pondering-worthy thoughts. I've been struggling this month, also, albeit not birthday related. It's been a challenging year, 2012. I look forward to seeing what fresh, new energies 2013 brings us all.

I wish you extra birthday blessings here, my lovely friend. You brighten my heart, always. <3

- Dawnie

fadeblakk said...

Sweeeeeet! I laughed out loud. Great thoughts shared here. Wishing you the happiest of the happiest on everyday including the one of your birth. And if you ever need a friend to listen you know you've got it.

fadeblakk said...

Sweeeeeeet! I laughed out loud reading this. You shared some great thoughts. Wishing you the happiest of happiness every day not just the day of your birth. And if you ever need a friend to listen, you got it.

Adriene said...

I have to concur with The Loerzels: this post went very well. I love reading your blog. you are down to earth and wise. Every day is a new beginning, a birth day. But Happy Birthday anyway! <3

Martha J. M. Orlando said...

You had me both laughing and crying as I read this wonderful reflection, Leah . . . And, it's so true that we should be celebrating every day, not just our birthdays. Not sure which day in December yours falls, but if it makes you feel any better, my dad and my hairdresser both have Christmas Day birthdays. Now, that's a bummer! :)
Happy and blessed birthday, dear friend!

Cheryl said...

Happy birthday to you my friend. I think birthdays set us up for a mix of emotions at our age. I think we are one year apart in age if I remember correctly and my birthday is coming up right before Christmas as well.

I agree that there is an awareness at this time later in our lives that we realize our days are numbered but they ALWAYS were. We just are having to come to terms with the reality of it and this is being more solidified by those around us that are dealing with their mortality. I am sincerely sorry that your family is having to deal with saying goodbyes. That is hard and brings up a ton of emotions. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Chris said...

Haha this was too funny :)))

I only got the rhythm from the "Buzzards and rainbows part" so I had to go back, but once I started reading it out loud (in my head... I know, it's confusing for me too) I had a blast with it. Awesome!

That recent Prufrock party I ended up at... Astrology kicked in after the drinks, as one would expect with six women I guess LOL... Turned out that three of them were Sagittarians and proud of it. They kept tipsily talking about how Sagittarians were awesome, and I kept tipsily smiling because all I could do was agree!

Have the happiest birthday, dear Leah. It is a joy to have found you in this cyberspace of ours. Hugs from across the ocean.

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Even your 'rambling' is so deep, Leah. ♥

JANU said...

Nice Leah that you shared your feelings with us. Insightful...<3

Leah Griffith said...

Thank you Marie. It's been quite a week. Unbelievable really. Moving on....

Leah Griffith said...

LOL! Karen, I felt anything but brilliant, but your comment has made me feel brilliant. Thank you for that my friend.

Leah Griffith said...

I love that Jan...just let it fly. And that's just what I did, day after day;) Thank you for the sweet birthday wishes. You brightened up my day.

Leah Griffith said...

Dawn, it's a comfort to have you along on my meandering journey through nonsense and introspection. We are all such a reflective lot aren't we? I know you've had quite a year. I think we've been sailing on the same ship. Looking forward to some knew energy, I've had enough of goodbyes and letting go. I'm thinking abundance and peace. Yes!
Sending love my sister.

Leah Griffith said...

Fadeblakk, thank you so much for being here...listening and speaking. You're presence brings me comfort.

Leah Griffith said...

Adriene, thank you for your sweet comment. I don't feel so wise sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time I feel as though I'm clueless. We are all so committed to this short journey, ever learning yet never coming to any solid conclusions. I'm so grateful to have souls like you to journey with. Sending a big hug to you sweet sister.

Leah Griffith said...

Martha, your presence is such a comfort to me. I had a wonderful birthday trimmed in all the ingredients that life could conjure. Image that...the world didn't stand still for my birthday. Ain't it just like life to step on the gas just when you want to slow down.
Big hugs and lots of love to you Martha. Tomorrow is your big day!!

Leah Griffith said...

Cheryl, it's so true that we expect stuff...good stuff on our birthdays, which sets us up for a fall. Expectations are testy and greedy little things, always demanding their own way. All these goodbyes are teaching me how to let go of expectations. I'm sure they are teaching me other stuff too, but the most obvious is the letting go. I guess that leaves my hands empty to receive another thing, which in the long run, I will have to release also.

Happy birthday to you Cheryl. I love that we share the same birthday month.

Leah Griffith said...

Chris, thanks so much for being here for me. I love your presence and your unique views and talents.

In the end I actually had fun writing this post. Of course when I was writing it I had no intention of posting it and revealing my naked thoughts. But...it was all I had so I stuck it up there with a "screw it who cares" attitude.

Missing you and really wanting a skype session. Big hugs my beautiful friend.

Leah Griffith said...

Corinne, I drive myself nuts sometimes with my depth and ramblings, but thank you for being here and being so supportive and sweet. It's been a rough week, but alas, there is always the next moment.
Sending big hugs!
Leah <3

Leah Griffith said...

Janu, I love sharing my thoughts here. It's like a living journal where I get to share so much that normally I would keep to myself. I've grown accustom to coming here and unloading. Thank you for being here with me.
XOXO

Dangerous Linda said...

Hi, Leah! ~

I can relate to the pressure of trying to write something 'special' for my birthday. I love your approach. You are so creative, even when complaining about your lack of creativity!

I LOVE birthdays! Especially OUR BIRTHDAY because it's tucked in at the end of the year, perfect for re-evaluating where I've been and where I want to go in the New Year.

I've had some crap stirred up lately in my own life, we never grow out of that, right? Holding you in my heart as you heal! XOXOXOXXO

Tameka said...

Leah, first off my SAG sister, I am sorry for the illness of your mother-in-law. It's hard to celebrate when a loved one is not well. Thanks as always for being open and allowing others to share your experience. We uplift you and also commiserate with you. Guess where I was on my birthday a few weeks ago? Las Vegas? Shaking my booty at fabulous parties? Getting spoiled and pampered at the spa? Uh, nope. I was in housing court fighting off impending eviction yet again due to the work challenges of the year. So girlie, I hear ya. This year (as I am every year) I was fully gifted with the presence of breath and health and that was enough.

I hope the remainder of the holidays brings you more peace and more time with your loved ones. I will also keep your mom-in-law in my prayers. Blessings dear.

Leah Griffith said...

Hi Linda, I see we both survived our birthday postings. Sharing a birthday with you is special. I bet if we got together we would discover the many similarities we share.

I'm excited for this new year and all the wonderful surprises that life holds for us. Thank you for your birthday blessings. I can feel them taking hold in my heart.
Love and Hugs!
Leah

Leah Griffith said...

Thank you Tameka for coming here and sharing your heart. I've been praying for you and the housing situation. It's tough to be in housing limbo. Eviction is a threatening term conjuring images of homelessness and suffering. You are in my prayers Tameka. Please know that you are not alone or forgotten.
Love and big fat hugs!
Leah

melissa said...

Hmmm, I don't even remember if I was here on this day... but reading this made me realize how wanting to write and not write at the same time felt like...

I'm so glad that I've been part of your journey this year... and I'm so glad to have met you. You're such a wonderful person ~ full of grace, wit and wisdom ;)

Lots of love always!

Nanette said...

Love your poem! I found myself humming along (while laughing!) Thanks!

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