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Saturday, May 21, 2011

The End is Near. Burger Anyone?

So, today, beginning at 7 am in the UK, the world is supposed to end and those worth saving will shoot off into the sky like people rockets toward heaven… while the rest of us will watch in horror and die a slow torturous death… and then spend the rest of eternity in hell…being tormented. This is according to Harold Camping the head of a US Christian broadcaster.

Hmmm…what to do with my last day? I could spend it praying, but I think God would know that I was sucking up, kind of like the husband bringing home roses because of his guilty conscience. Nah…we’re good, besides if the world ends today He’s going to be pretty busy.

I could gather up all my expired pain pills and wash them down with a fifth of rum. This way I won’t feel anything when I die. But that would be the Cowardly Lion’s way out. I always envisioned myself being more like Bruce Willis in Armageddon…going out with a big bang….and dignity.

I used to think that I was somehow defective because of my emotional sloshings. That was until some clever somebody invented the internet… Thanks Al. So, now I go online and read articles, and blogs, and I can see that every-fricken-body feels the same way I do. Anxious.

Like living on a large spinning ball in the middle of space, with violent weather episodes, earthquakes, starvation, war, sickness, death…and a rotten economy, wasn’t enough to make us anxious, now we have Mr. Camping threatening us will hell and destruction. Hell? Mr. Camping, please read the first sentence of this paragraph for the perfect definition of hell.

Harold, I know that you’re 89, and you probably mean well, but I have more important things to do than to listen to your asinine predictions. When I die, (and I will die) I am confident that my soul will find its home with a very personal and loving God, and that your delusional elixir of fear will have evaporated into the white light of nothingness for eternity. Good day sir.

Gotta go…I’m craving a burger…and then I think I’ll scour the mall for just the right tone of lipstick to go with my new dress! Priorities!


pixielui said...

When I read about the rum part, I was like not my rum! :)

Leah Griffith said...

Too late!

Jayne said...

Ah, rapture! Don't forget the banana split. I haven't had one in years, so...
But dammit, don't you know my excuse is about to go POOF like Camping's theory. The sun is shining and all is quiet and lovely today! And I feel fine... (love that REM song).
Guess I'd better hold off on the gorge-fest, and the over-the-top party on Lindy's bar today. Then again, shouldn't we be celebrating that we're still here? ;)

Leah Griffith said...

Absolutely Jayne! We’re here! I’m going for a hot fudge sundae! I like lots and lots of fudge…and nuts, buried in a mountain of whipped cream. Damn…I’m never going to get this out of my head. How’d I get here anyway? Jayne…it’s going to be your fault if I can’t fit into that little black dress for the wedding. ;)

Cheryl P. said...

Hi Leah, I have been trying to leave a message for you but it keeps kicking it out. Something is not working quite right since Blogger went down. I have left an award for you over at The Art of Being Conflicted.

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