Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Summer Fun. NOT!
Much of the east coast is experiencing temperatures upwards of a hundred degrees this week…except Florida, which bottomed out at a nippy ninety three degrees this afternoon. It’s hot, but Florida hot and Northern hot are two different hots. In Florida we’re used to the heat and humidity. We time everything just right in order to avoid getting sweaty. We go from our air conditioned houses to our air conditioned cars and then drive said cars to our air conditioned offices and stores. We exercise early in the morning (or early in the evening) when the angry sun has lost some of its fury. Basically we’re equipped for heat waves in the same manner Northerners are equipped for blizzards.
Up north most people don’t have a/c because it costs a fortune to install and run. They reason, “Why buy it if you’re only going to use it a few times a year?” Northerners have other things to spend their hard earned cash on, like, heating fuel, snow removal, winter clothing, and frozen pipes. So, they suck it up, and sweat it out, the old skool way…
Yankees are tough, scraping tender knuckles and cursing, as they pry stubborn windows open that have been puttied shut against the cold for months. Then installing screens… with slits and holes in them, creating easy access for opportunist mosquitoes on the hunt for tender sun-burnt flesh. They then place large boxy fans in screened windows, and re-scrape their already scraped knuckles.
Bedtime is a treat on a muggy northern night, especially if you have young children. First you get to wrestle with tormented toddlers, flushed red with heat and cherry Popsicles, finally getting them down three hours past their bed time. Then, snagging a Popsicle for yourself; you collapse from fatigue in the Dora the Explorer kiddy pool in the back yard, too weak to keep the dog from joining you…or sharing your Popsicle.
You finally make your way upstairs, where the heat rises, and the mosquitoes congregate. Tossing and turning, you lie naked and vulnerable, slapping yourself in the face as you attempt to kill the mosquito that keeps buzzzzzing in your ears. You bring the sheets over your head, but your breath is like a high voltage space heater, so you come up for air…and there’s that mosquito again. Finally you kick off the sheets, hoping that the mosquito fills up quickly, turn your sweaty pillow to the “cool” side for the fiftieth time, and drop off into a dead sleep.
The morning sun blazes a sizzling hello as you leave for work. You feel ready for your day. Your coffee is hot and your favorite song is playing. The torments of summer have been temporarily forgiven. You power your windows down and sing along as you ride. Hitting the interstate you notice papers blowing around in the back seat like one of those windy money booths. You try to drive as McDonald's napkins, empty Wal-Mart bags, and old newspapers dive bomb your head. Swatting the trash away, it accidentally gets sucked out of the car window. You watch, slack jawed, from your rear-view mirror, as it hits the vehicle behind you…which just happens to be a state trooper.
These crazy days of summer memories have been brought to you by the Old Skool Air Conditioning Company. For a free estimate dial 1-800-IAM-DONE
(All quotes from [Company] are never valid as this company doesn’t exist. Our fictitious company accepts no liability for the content of this post, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided, unless that information is subsequently confirmed in writing on the 6th Tuesday of July. Any views or opinions presented in this post are solely those of the ex-northerners and do not necessarily represent those of the non-company. Finally, the recipient should check this post and any attachments for the presence of mosquitoes. We accept no liability for any damage caused by any mosquitoes transmitted by this post.)
Posted by Leah Griffith at 8:14 PM