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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Daring Soul Gypsies

Photograph by Bruce Dale

I haven’t been blogging lately, because I haven’t really had the energy or the urgency to speak. I’ve been in an "in-between" place of questions and guesses, venturing into the now, with now stories to hold my attention, and now beliefs to cushion the path…just me looking and pondering—asking the big questions: Who am I? Who is God? Why am I here?

I may not be able to define God/Truth, but I recognize it when I see it, for my God/Truth is my own—like the fingerprints of my soul.

Most of the time I believe myself to be lost. Not lost in a forever sense, but momentarily lost in the past or future, my mind jetting me back and forth like Judy Jetson, lost in the crowded cosmos of thought, scanning the written pages, and the crystal future of dreams and dreads to come.

One day I’m a laughing puppeteer—a genius creating situations that suit the sunshine, rolling down soft green hills—a dizzying burst of giggles, bumping into nothing at all because the possibilities are endless!

Another day I believe myself to be a colossal screw-up, stuck between an instinctual urge to soar and my bone snapping insecurities—a loser, measuring a tad lower than the brown water stains snaking along the baseboards of my self-imposed expectations. But this is what you get when you cross deity with dust, a hybrid human being with a propensity for immense error and epic love.

Like a tribe of wide-footed gypsies, my thoughts travel from state to state, carnival to carnival, toting my stories along with them, often convincing me that the fun-house mirror image of me is accurate. “Is that me?” I ask my closest friend. “No”, she says, as she stares at her wavy reflection, sucking in her midsection, trying to correct the uncorrectable. And isn’t that what friends do…remind us of who we are lest we get lost within the chaos of erroneous beliefs and unbridled thinking?

Sometimes, against my better judgment, I’ll mount the Carousel of Remembering, enjoying the sensation of movement, as I travel in small circles. It’s the colors of the carousel, the music and the horses, which bid me to ride, and even though I’ve done it a thousand times before with the same fruitless results, I still fall prey to this temptation, leaving behind my real life for a blurred tour of indistinguishable places and events from the past, creating a hesitation in my life—a lapse in Leah.

Our hesitations often become our limitations, the places in life where we doubt ourselves until we become stale and stuck. What are limits really but fear’s suspenders holding up our insecurities. Bull shit on fear.

So here I am today, a smidge bolder…and hopefully a bit badass too, still sorting things out, but coming to you with my mask off. I used to feel pretty much alone, but now I know that we are all here together—riding and jetting, thinking and being, creating and destroying. We really are daring soul-gypsies, forsaking the familiar for the uncontainable collision of right now. I love that.

20 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

Fear's suspenders? Beyond the heartfelt emotion there's terrific writing here. Glad you're posting again.

Cheryl said...

I think that young people look to the future as a time that everything will magically come together. That isn't my experience. Over and over again all of us stuggle to make sense of our place in the world and did we do what we were meant to do? Or is still ahead of us? Or did we miss it? The sand is forever shifting beneath us but we all have our spot. Good or bad,...

I think it is very hard to be brave all the time. That, too peaks and ebbs. I don't think life gets easier. There are still so many questions to ask and so many answers unavailable.

I hope you continue to sort out your feelings and peace and contentment vanquish doubt and insecurity. You are never alone. This is how everyone feels but you are one of the few that can describe it so eloquently.

Brooke said...

So glad to have your words, dear Leah, wherever you are, near, far or going in circles, it is beautiful to behold, and I adore your unique perspective and creative phrasing of it all. Mmmm, love the deity and dust hybrid human. Wow. I feel like you are such a rich fount of creation past present and future. Is it bad that part of me wants to tie you to a chair with a pen and tell you to empty yourself of all your creations. It is selfish, as in for me. Oh and paintbrush too. I'd maybe let you trade off.

Deborah Tisch said...

There is so much wisdom and truth in your words, Leah. I know that Carousel of Remembering all too well, how easy it is to ride and grow comfortable there.

Thank you for coming here without your mask, for being badass brave and true, for just being Leah.

Leah Griffith said...

Thank you Stephen. It's great to be back.

Leah Griffith said...

Cheryl, I am so glad that we are not alone because as you said, "I don't think life gets easier." I agree. It doesn't. Period. And we will continue to struggle and strain, reflect and reject, run and faint...all of this and more, because we are alive and we want answers, and we don't want to miss a thing.

Leah Griffith said...

Brooke, thank you for coming here and listening to the pouring out of Leah. I love that you come and that you "get" me. Of course tying me in a chair won't be necessary as I will gladly empty myself for you sweet Brooke. Love!

Leah Griffith said...

Hi sweet Deborah, my badass sister! Yes! The carousel. In real life I can't ride the carousel...all that spinning makes me sick. I do better with roller coasters. Thank you for being here with me and listening. My hope is that through my naked words others will not feel as lonely or crazy. That's my hope....

Debra said...

I do like that carousel, Leah, all the bright colors, the feeling of traveling even though I’m going nowhere. And ‘gypsy’ is my metaphor, a symbol of those ‘being still and still moving’ as T.S. Elliot put it. Love your philosophical take here, dear one. I hope to chat again soon. We’re past due.

Leah Griffith said...

Yes Debra, the carousel is quite a temptation. I can see the gypsy in you. I see your spirit through your eyes, wide and wandering, wearing bangles up to the elbows, and rings on fingers and toes. I miss you too. Let's talk.

Martha J. M. Orlando said...

" . . .a hybrid human being with a propensity for immense error and epic love . . ."
It is our story since the creation and the fall of Adam. No matter what we think and believe, God will eventually shake us down, shake us up, and set us on the right paths in His own timing. We are all in error. We are all capable of incredible love because of His blessings.
Keep creating, keep writing, my dear friend. You have His message to deliver and His will to be voiced. May the Lord always bless you, Leah!

Julia said...

I love you unmasked Leah...I love all parts of Leah.

"Our hesitations often become our limitations." So, so true. I see clearly that when I hesitate, hold back - stop showing up, it feels like I'm stuffing my spirit in a box and damn! how painful that is. Yet, sometimes these lapses of us are necessary - sometimes the pain has to get really painful before we decide to surrender just a little bit more.

So much wisdom here, my friend. So much of beautiful you.

Galen Pearl said...

The Carousel of Remembering. That is an image I will remember, but hopefully not on the carousel! Lovely post.

Leah Griffith said...

Thank you Martha for your encouragement. As always it is timely. Love!

Leah Griffith said...

Julia, I agree...pain pushes us forward like in the birthing process. I'm so glad that you are here with my on this journey. Just think of all the love we get to share! Monday begins our naked sessions. I'm really anticipating this with real joy sweet sister.

Leah Griffith said...

Thank you Galen. So nice to have you visit. I don't write as often as I used to, but I have never been one to produce words on schedule, but rather on heart.

The Loerzels said...

You are a total badass! And we all get lost between the past and the future, not savoring the moment and the unknown that it brings. It's so much easier to reminise and plan. But you, a loser? NEVER my friend!

Leah Griffith said...

Aw Marie! You are my very badassyest, sword dancing, pole climbing, burka wearing, forest fire fighting, friend ever, so coming from you, your compliment means a lot! LOL!

~ Irene ~ said...

I am often in that "Carousel of Remembering, of Imagining, of Creating a world different from this" these days, Leah. Sometimes I wish I could just stay there.

I did feel less alone because of your post. So good to find a gypsy sister here. Your words are magical, as always. God bless. ♡

Leah Griffith said...

I totally get what you're saying Irene. But...reality carries with it enticing gifts of love and creativity. I'm so glad you came to visit me. I know I've been gone for too many weeks, but thank you for welcoming me back! Love and hugs!

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