I had the sensation of a house falling, jolting me from my dream, and then realizing that I was safely at home.
I believe that I have just gone through one of the most agonizingly beautiful times in my recent life. I can add the word beautiful now because…well, I’m safely at home and all the scary stuff seems to be under control. But, in all sincerity, the last year has been an epic journey of crossroads and discoveries, leading me back to a simple place called home.
I can usually adjust to most of life’s changes and upsets, by talking to myself, walking, or listening to music, but none of that stuff seemed to help. I was stuck and life was in my face showing no signs of backing down.
You see, I had been telling myself some stories about what I needed in order to be happy; unconsciously turning many important things around me into enemies. What I didn’t realize was that I was the enemy. I was the one perpetrating a coup; trying to overthrow my own life, and supplant my own leadership. I know…it sounds nuts, but believe me it’s not all that uncommon. We usually are our own worse enemies.
Having become dissatisfied with the way my life was going I tried taking a short cut to getting unstuck and finding happiness. I was going to create some happiness if it killed me! Basically I was trying to live a life that really didn’t exist. I became a woman without a country, placing myself in a refugee camp, waiting to be claimed by an honorable, yet distant, relative.
Oh how anxious we become when our lives are under construction and things turn dodgy. We blindly run ahead of ourselves, grasping any tool in sight, and then we busy our hands with building babbling towers and high walls. We pry open doors that were meant to remain closed and put locks on doors that should be flung open. We doubt our truth, our minds, our paths…we may even momentarily forget who we are.
I spun out of control like a rumor on loose lips until I collided with the solid walls of reality and life knocked me on my frantic ass. And there I sat…dazed, as a circle of cartoon stars orbited my dizzy head. It was at this point that I surrendered…and waited for wisdom.
How many times have I allowed fear to take the lead?
Hmmm…too many to mention.
Will I ever learn?
I’ve learned already.
This round goes to Leah. Although I took some pretty tough punches to the head and the heart, but I got back up, trusted in myself and the divine order of things. Is the match over? Nah, it will continue as long as I have breath. I’ll become fearful, run, exhaust myself, surrender, and then find my wisdom all over again.
Are there any short cuts?
Probably not, as all along I thought I was doing pretty well; I was stunned to find myself so utterly lost.
On the bright side, I do believe that each time this happens I become more enlightened than before, and that I am that much closer to learning how to authentically live my life. I’m also looking toward a time when I can peacefully flow in that river of tranquility that all those swamis and yogis are always yapping about and finally reach perfection ;)
Of course I’m going to need life to cooperate with me on this!
*grin
15 comments:
Love the video with your post.
What a great line!!!!!
I spun out of control like a rumor on loose lips until I collided with the solid walls of reality and life knocked me on my frantic ass.
I am way behind you in this process of looking for some changes in my life. I can't seem to get my bearings and don't know which is the right path for me. I seem to keep losing my way. It seems you are on your path and walking in the direction that is calling you.
Ultimately though, I have some of the big components in place like my family so I just have to figure out the smaller pieces to make the puzzle a complete picture.
I am so pleased your puzzle pieces are fitting together.
Sounds like you're in the middle of quite a journey! But it sounds like you have exactly what it takes to get where you want to go. Hang in there!
~Debbie
Cheryl, I honestly felt as though I was falling apart and lost, when in reality I was being released from my stuckness and put back together.
It sounds like you are well on your way. Just do what you love and watch where life leads you;)
Thank you Debbie! I guess I am on my way, but boy oh boy it sure is a tricky journey;)
Journey to self-discovery....you needed that year of searching to arrive and appreciate this moment...all the best.
janu, I believe that you're right. Onward and upward is what I like to say;)
Thanks Janu!
i realy like this song.
Me too Ferry...it wakes me up inside.
"I became a woman without a country, placing myself in a refugee camp, waiting to be claimed by an honorable, yet distant, relative." Ack--how often do we do things like this?! I'm so glad for you Leah, that you wait no longer.
There's a lot I'd still like to get behind me. All that scary stuff. But does that every really go away? I guess the peace is in finding the lesson in what we learn, as you say, the "enlightenment" is the great reward.
I loved, loved this post, Leah. When I'm down, I know where to turn. Thank you for being here. :~)
Thank you Jayne;) It’s amazing how complex life really is, yet how simple the rules are. I’m still a bit jumpy, and I’m going to have to figure out how to live at home again with a husband and all the accessories, but I’m extremely grateful for the progress I’ve made.
Sometimes I wish I were the sort of writer who could pen “newsy” info rather than splattering my guts all over the paper. I guess this is what eating life raw really tastes like.
I appreciate your presence here Jayne.
Same-same-but-different, the part about falling to pieces and how it releases you from a big knotted ball of wool sticky as a spider's web. I'm just at that point where I'm thinking some big decision is the ticket, regardless of how everything else falls into place because one thing I know is this: everything else will fall into some semblance of place. Won't it?
Indeed it will Cathy; indeed it will. Sometimes we need to be the catalyst for our own lives rather than reacting to another force outside of ourselves. It's exciting. Scary as hell, but exciting;)
Wow - I can definitely relate to this, Leah. Thank you for being so open and honest about transitioning into the unknown and allowing fear and uncertainty to show up and still moving forward. So inspiring.
Jodi, you inspire me every day. I'm glad you stopped by my little world and that I was able to give something back to you. We really do need each other don't we? Gifts and giving...it all makes sense;)
I read this post when you published it, then decided that I was going to have to come back to comment because I needed it to sink in. My mind is usually the one to figure things out quickly and say "Oh, this is what you have to do!" However, my emotions lag behind, whining "But waiiiit, we are not done over here!"
So my quick fix turns into frustration, while I wait for parts of me to get it together. Right now I'm struggling with surrendering to surrender, if you know what I mean.
Thank you again for writing so beautifully, and for sharing yourself. And congratulations on the wisdom of this round!
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