Monday, September 19, 2011
Okay, I'm Awake!
I had the sensation of a house falling, jolting me from my dream, and then realizing that I was safely at home.
I believe that I have just gone through one of the most agonizingly beautiful times in my recent life. I can add the word beautiful now because…well, I’m safely at home and all the scary stuff seems to be under control. But, in all sincerity, the last year has been an epic journey of crossroads and discoveries, leading me back to a simple place called home.
I can usually adjust to most of life’s changes and upsets, by talking to myself, walking, or listening to music, but none of that stuff seemed to help. I was stuck and life was in my face showing no signs of backing down.
You see, I had been telling myself some stories about what I needed in order to be happy; unconsciously turning many important things around me into enemies. What I didn’t realize was that I was the enemy. I was the one perpetrating a coup; trying to overthrow my own life, and supplant my own leadership. I know…it sounds nuts, but believe me it’s not all that uncommon. We usually are our own worse enemies.
Having become dissatisfied with the way my life was going I tried taking a short cut to getting unstuck and finding happiness. I was going to create some happiness if it killed me! Basically I was trying to live a life that really didn’t exist. I became a woman without a country, placing myself in a refugee camp, waiting to be claimed by an honorable, yet distant, relative.
Oh how anxious we become when our lives are under construction and things turn dodgy. We blindly run ahead of ourselves, grasping any tool in sight, and then we busy our hands with building babbling towers and high walls. We pry open doors that were meant to remain closed and put locks on doors that should be flung open. We doubt our truth, our minds, our paths…we may even momentarily forget who we are.
I spun out of control like a rumor on loose lips until I collided with the solid walls of reality and life knocked me on my frantic ass. And there I sat…dazed, as a circle of cartoon stars orbited my dizzy head. It was at this point that I surrendered…and waited for wisdom.
How many times have I allowed fear to take the lead?
Hmmm…too many to mention.
Will I ever learn?
I’ve learned already.
This round goes to Leah. Although I took some pretty tough punches to the head and the heart, but I got back up, trusted in myself and the divine order of things. Is the match over? Nah, it will continue as long as I have breath. I’ll become fearful, run, exhaust myself, surrender, and then find my wisdom all over again.
Are there any short cuts?
Probably not, as all along I thought I was doing pretty well; I was stunned to find myself so utterly lost.
On the bright side, I do believe that each time this happens I become more enlightened than before, and that I am that much closer to learning how to authentically live my life. I’m also looking toward a time when I can peacefully flow in that river of tranquility that all those swamis and yogis are always yapping about and finally reach perfection ;)
Of course I’m going to need life to cooperate with me on this!
Posted by Leah Griffith at 11:31 AM