Warts Wrong With You?

I was thinking about genuine beauty the other day, and how, being human, we all have imperfections, or as some call them...warts. Yet it’s those very warts that we’ve been taught to despise that can often be endearing…even charming. I had a boyfriend once who had a thin scar across his top lip. Instead of viewing this as a flaw, I saw it as sexy as hell, giving him a bad boy persona which sent shivers down my spine. Unfortunately our society has trained us to hide our warts…to be ashamed of them.

There are different categories of warts; some are really obvious because they appear on the outside of us, like: extra pounds, crooked teeth, wrinkles, and birth marks. We nip, suction, bleach, and snip at our imperfections hoping to come as close to perfect as possible. But is all this really necessary? I think that we’re missing out on appreciating what makes us unique. Since when did beauty marks turn into moles? I have one on my back that’s a dead ringer for W.C. Fields that I’ve been dying to show off!

Our society worships beauty and youth. Get a look at any magazine cover and you’ll see them praising the gorgeous and humiliating the homely. Of course these beauties, whose faces shine with glossy perfection from their supermarket marquees, inspiring us to feel plainer than unbuttered toast, have all been Photo-Shopped from the top of their shiny foreheads all the way down to their bumpy bottoms.

We humans have been around for like a gazillion years battling zits, dental decay, wrinkles, and finally succumbing to death, so you’d think by now we would have learned how to embrace our imperfections. But no, instead we worship youth and beauty…what most of us don’t have, and none of us can keep. Duh! What kind of message are we sending to our kids?



Now for the other type of wart that many of us wrestle with; it is officially known as the Fatigo Wart, but most of us are more familiar with its common street name, the worry wart. Worry warts are the most versatile of warts in that they cover just about anything which may, or may not, go wrong in our lives. They cause us to worry about everything from the apocalypse to bankruptcy, foreclosure to insanity, then onwards to unemployment and finally zymosis (which ironically is the development and spread of an infectious disease caused by a fungus).

Worry warts reside between our ears and have the power to scare the ever loving crap out of us without anything bad ever actually happening. One sign that your young child might have worry warts is if he/she has a preoccupation with the Boogie Man. In teenagers symptoms may manifest themselves in paranoid feelings that nobody likes them, which in turn may lead to body piercing, filthy bedrooms, and excessive back talking.

Worry warts are harder to detect in adults. By this age most people have found clever ways to camouflage the symptoms until they honestly believe that they don’t have them any more. Here is a little check list to see if you might be infected with worry warts. Have you found yourself:

1. Returning home just to check if you locked the door.
2. Spending outrageous amounts of energy trying to please everybody.
3. Stockpiling food for the end times.
4. Repeatedly asking your friends if they’re mad at you.
5. Running background checks on all of your neighbors.

Although worry warts are among the most common of fungi, and the most simple to treat, millions of people still suffer from their effects. If you happen to be one of these people, don’t worry…oops! My bad;)

Anyway, I did a little bit of research so that I could give you an easy to follow plan on how to cure your worry warts. This is what I’ve come up with.

A. Believe in the good stuff instead of the bad stuff; it requires the same amount of energy.
B. Live happily ever after.

Join me next time folks when I will be lecturing on tape worm infestation and how it impacts the fashion industry.

ELR accepts no liability for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided, unless that information is subsequently confirmed in blood on October 31st at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Although ELR has taken reasonable precautions to ensure no worry warts are present in this post, ELR cannot accept responsibility for any ulcers or nervous break downs arising from worry warts.