Now What?

For years I’ve been trying to train myself on how to live in the Now. But lately, between Oprah’s Life Classes and Eckhart Tolle’s books, plus the fact that my life seems to be coming unglued on a consistent basis, I have a new sense of urgency about it. It all sounds so enlightening, and yogilicious! Unless of course you’re the type of person who has allowed your mind and emotions pretty much free reign…then you’re in trouble.

The mind is like the older sister with a big ego reading the rules off the game box; knowing that her kid sister can’t read she adds a few rules of her own, to give herself an edge. The emotions are the little sister. She believes everything the literate older sister tells her and blindly follows her rules. These two engage in the game of life, with the dominate mind bullying the emotions. The result is a power struggle between two brats, neither of which is capable of running the show. The Now is the patient parent waiting for the two to exhaust themselves.

Being in the Now wouldn’t seem so difficult if it wasn’t so quiet. Why does Now have to seem so….um…boring? You know what I mean. Right now my left calf aches, and my chipped coffee cup is on the table. I can see the hairs on my arms…and I feel restless…like I want to do something. Something stimulating and exciting. Ooops! I’m doing it again…projecting into the future. Of course this makes me feel guilty so I reel myself in, as disappointed as a kid leaving his favorite fishing spot, and tell myself that if the Now is where I’m meant to live then I had better learn to enjoy it.

I sit up a little straighter and inhale deeply, hoping to invoke my inner Being. My eyes fall upon a pile of mail sitting on the counter: bills, ads, and a Netflix envelope. What movie was it that I ordered? FOCUS LEAH!!

I try again, this time keeping my eyes closed. I’m here. Now. I can hear the clock ticking; time is pinching its way into my meditative bubble. It must be at least ten by now. My mind races to the shopping list of chores waiting for my attention. I feel the prickle of my Inner Critic’s breath on my neck…she’s getting ready to speak. “You need to clean this messy house, and then take care of all those tax forms...”

She’s a bossy bitch with a tight bun and shiny shoes. I ignore her demands, staying seated in the Now, but she’s ruined the mood. I can feel her words decaying, and squirming around in my stomach like worms.

Emotions but no thoughts? Thoughts, but fighting emotions? How do I get in the now? I’m starting to sweat…STOP!!!!!!!!!! Try again.

Back to the Now; within the rhythm of my pulse and the swallowing of my spit. The nitty gritty Now, where my mind paces within the confines of my skull, seeking an escape into the universe with its yawning jaw waiting to swallow the Twinkies, and the brooding mountains staying put, needing to lose weight, guarding their secrets; the showy oceans frothy with pride, flirting with the mailman and overwhelming the edges of my soul; the treetops with their messy hair, a covering to the thirsty earth; the earth, moist soil, grassy hills needing mowing, and thorn-choked fields, strangling their way through life. Taking what isn’t theirs, I need to get that book back to the library, killing the weak, yet growing towards the light all the same.

Huh? What the hell was that? Was that the Now, my mind/ego, or my emotions? Oh snap! This being in the Now stuff is like trying to bottle a breeze. Perhaps I’m trying too hard. Anyway, that coffee smells awfully good, and I still have a good hour left to sit and enjoy myself with my writing before I have to move on to my chores. I love being here in my house with my coffee, my words…and myself. It’s as though nothing else exists.

Life is good.